grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
