when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
