You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
