I didn't shave. On purpose
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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