if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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