Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
