I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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