dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
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My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
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The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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