nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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