I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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