you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
