I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.