so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.