Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
