I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
