I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
