Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
