Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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