i always forget guys have bellybuttons
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
