we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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