did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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