You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
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