Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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