Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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