You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
