nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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