I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
