May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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