not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
