I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
