WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
