My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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