Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
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