Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
