I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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