Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
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The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
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