hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Shame is for Republicans.
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