Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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