I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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