My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
