I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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