True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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