I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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