i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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