watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
