When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
