I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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