my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
