just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
