I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
