I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
