so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
