I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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