apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
