Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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