He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
