I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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