I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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