I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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