Cold hands, warm shart.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
